CMS will stop operations in September 2011

You must have already heard the news. The LHC has created black holes, thus demonstrating that Walter Wagner and other experts who have been warning the world about a possible doomsday at the European collider have been right.



Dr Walter Wagner explains how it was possible for him to predict that the LHC would destroy the world.

In fact, a much more dramatic event has taken place. Two black holes were created: one of them came from the ATLAS detector and the other from the CMS detector. They began to orbit one another. So far, the situation is stabilized but as soon as the black hole temperatures increase by 5.01 °C, they will swallow our blue planet.

Because this "bound state of two black holes" was totally unexpected by the LHC safety analyses, the CERN folks decided that one of the major detectors has to go so that the black hole bound state won't be created again, assuming that the heroic "Chamonix 50" sent by the Lifeboat Foundation will manage to save the Earth in this case.





Finally, CMS lost the battle because ATLAS has a higher number of members and they voted that CMS had to go. A particularly convincing argument came from Ms Fabiola Gianotti who complained that the CMS harbors a blogger, Mr Tommaso Dorigo, who leaked the information about the black holes. Ms Gianotti is the imcumbent head of the ATLAS experiment, soon to be replaced by Ms Heidi Cullen of the Union of Concerned Scientists.

While the particle physicists were ready to agree that it was appropriate to inform the public about the looming doomsday, Ms Gianotti has pointed out that Mr Dorigo has used the term "black hole" which was sexually obscene. Racially diverse members of the collaborations agreed. Mr Dorigo immediately quit blogging and Silvio Berlusconi's bodyguards will perform a plastic surgery on Mr Dorigo's face tomorrow.

Meanwhile, the LHC has found out that there is no Higgs boson. But, as you know, there has to be something that plays its role. A 16-year-old member has discovered that the "something" is actually the Hugs boson. Who could have thought? Consequently, physicists stopped searching for SUSY and started to search for MARY instead.

Finally, you may remember your humble correspondent's predictions that it was impossible for the crackpots who don't understand why string theory is inevitable given our knowledge of general relativity and quantum mechanics to ever understand those points. However, surgeons in the New York Presbyterian Hospital managed to successfully implant a chimpanzee brain to the skull of the world's most notorious crackpot and critic of string theory, Fecer Shmoit.

The surgery was successful and Mr Shmoit's IQ has been increased by 45 points. As a consequence, he could join Mr Clifford Johnson and change the primary topic of his blog to desserts and biking in New York. Congratulations, Mr Shmoit!

The surgeons are planning an even more ambitious surgery, that of Mr Pee Swolin. Good luck, Gentlemen!