The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Stars: *****

As I mentioned in my first post about The 5 Love Languages, I received this book as part of a tour but it didn't arrive in time and then I kept putting off writing the review for some reason.

Summary: Dr. Gary Chapman guides couples in identifying, understanding, and speaking their spouse’s primary love language—quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. By learning the five love languages, you and your spouse will discover your unique love languages and learn practical steps in truly loving each other. 

The copy I received is actually a special leather-bound copy, of which amazon says: "This beautiful leather edition is the perfect gift for weddings, holidays, or any special occasion. Includes a promotional code to gain exclusive online access to the new comprehensive love languages assessment." Just a quick reminder that while it was a nice surprise to receive this nice edition, it has no bearing on how I rate or review the book.

I truly believe The 5 Love Languages should be required reading for all couples who intend to get married. Most of the marriages that end in divorce might have been saved if the couple had read and implemented the book.

The author has deduced that everyone has a love language. Some of us may fall under more than one category but we should all have one that we are more like. The Five Love Languages are:

1. Words of Affirmation (I Love You, You're Beautiful, etc..)
2. Quality Time (Doing things together while talking  - not watching TV together in silence.)
3. Receiving Gifts (Flowers, Chocolates, etc..)
4. Acts of Service (Doing dishes/laundry, child care, fixing leaky basement etc..)
5. Physical Touch (NOT Sex - massage, hand holding, touching arm while talking etc..)

Gary Chapman explains that your love language is the way that one knows that he or she is loved.  For example while I might enjoy a gift from my husband, I'd much prefer him to do some work around the house or take care of the kids (Acts of Service.) If my husband showered me with gifts and said I love you all the time but never did anything for me, I'd wonder if he really loved me. For you it may be different.

The problem is, most people try to do their love language to show their love to their partner. However if his/her love language is different from yours, they may not be feeling the love. If you want words of affirmation but your husband wants quality time and you only give words of affirmation, he's not going to feel loved. If he gives you mostly quality time but no words of affirmation, you aren't going to feel loved.

The book is amazing and the author has created many different versions of the book as well
such as The Five Love Languages:

• Men's Edition
• of Children
• of Tenagers
• Singles Edition
• of Apology

Plus he has some other books related to love languages, marriage, and more.

The author is a Christian and mentioned God once or twice but more in regards to responding to a client who talked about God. It's never preachy and you don't have to believe in a God or the Christian God to get use from the book.

Links of Interest: The 5 Love Languages (Information, quizzes etc.),  Gary Chapman,

Other Reviews: Grasping for the Wind, Alita Reads,

Buy The 5 Love Languages at Amazon.com and support SMS Book Reviews

The Polygamist by Ndabaningi Sithole

Stars: ****1/2

Summary: Seven wives share Menzi Dube, head of a Rhodesian tribal village, on a rotating basis. And although they enjoy all the benefits of a rich and progressive husband, they are less than satisfied with having to share him sexually. When one of the tribe's young wives goes astray, having found the several weeks' interval between her husband's visits unbearable, the other women are most sympathetic. This provokes extensive and spirited debate over the mutual plight as female "victims" of the age-old custom of polygamy.

Ndanda, Dube's eldest son, who has been away for many years, returns wearing European clothes, as most of Dube's family has been longing to, has been educated in missionary schools as a teacher, and plans to marry a girl from a Westernized family... just one girl. Dube vows to save his son from the certain disaster of monogamous union, but Ndanda resists, determined to bring his people into the "modern age."

I picked this book up at a local thrift store because the title caught me. This was an incredibly interesting book and fairly well-written, considering it was written by a man in a Rhodesian prison. It was published in 1972 by The Third Press which seems to be defunct*. You can't even buy it new on amazon although there are some used copies, most for $40 - $90 though depending on publishing date.

Even though the book is fiction, the characters all follow typical Rhodesian cultural practices at the time. It's quite thought provoking because you see the up and down sides to polygamy as well as their other cultural practices. Also the polygamy that is/was practiced in Africa isn't the same as the polygamy families in the U.S. and elsewhere. Following is a quote that shows another of the cultural practices:

"A little girl entered the hut. She carried a wooden bowl of water. As soon as
she approached Dube, she knelt down and then placed the bowl on the circular
hearth which was made of mud. "There's the water, father," she said rising to
her feet. "That's all right, my child" acknowledge Dube tenderly [...]She rose
to her feet and soon left the hut. Custom observance was very strict at Dube's
village just as it was at other villages. The little girl had to announce
formally, "There's the water," to indicate that it was her pleasure to bring
that water, and that it was now at their disposal. The formal announcement had
the effect of releasing the water from her, so to speak, so that it could be
used freely."

Similarly, here's a quote regarding polygamy:

"...and so each of the seven wives had a special attribute which endeared her to
Dube. They were beautiful, hardworking, and obedient and, with the exception of
Manyati, they all had children. [...] But if the younger wives of Dube secured
his goodwill with their youthfulness and beauty, the older ones held the
executive and political reins on his estate."

In the chapter that's from, he explains each wife, where she was found, how many heads of cattle was paid for her, what he likes about her and how many children she has born for him so far. It's very evident that he truly loves ALL of his wives and for different reasons and that he treats them all fairly.

The ending was really enjoyable and I wish this book was available to a wider public because I most definitely recommend this to everyone.

* Third Press, Joseph Okpaku Publishing Company Inc. (New York, 1970; ceased publishing in 1986 - from wikipedia

For Couples Only Box Set by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn

Stars: ****

I received this for review through Waterbrook Multnomah.

Summary: Since their debut, these revolutionary guides have sold well over a million copies, been translated into fifteen languages, and sparked much fascinating water-cooler conversation around the country. Now together in the For Couples Only boxed set, these books provide the perfect resource to help you understand what you never knew about the woman or man in your life.
Each volume is based on input from more than a thousand members of the opposite sex—including an unprecedented nationwide survey and hundreds of personal interviews. This innovative approach yields candid and surprising answers about everything you don’t “get” about your significant other—even what that person deeply wishes you knew. It also produces simple but groundbreaking awareness of how you can best love and support the one who is most important to you.
So whether you are newly dating or have been married fifty years, get ready to know each other in a whole new way. The adventure is just beginning!

I reviewed For Parents Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice in 2007. When I read then that Shaunti was also the author of For Women Only, I was interested in reading it. So when I was offered a chance to review the For Couples Only set, I was interested!

The set comes in a little box (hence box set,) which contains the two books, For Women Only and For Men Only, both by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn. There is also a free couple's conversation starter which is a little paper booklet with 12 ideas for working with the books, from reminders that your significant other(S.O) probably don't know what we think he/she does to ideas for how to read the books, such as reading your own gender first and highlighting what you really want your S.O. to know.

I would have loved my husband to read the For Men Only book and better understand women but alas, he rarely reads and this is something he would never read. However when I read it, I did highlight some parts and I'm going to try to get him to either read those parts or let me explain them. I've casually mentioned a few of them already during serious conversations.

I read For Women Only first, curious about men. I've read books on gender before so I already knew a few of them but I did learn some new things. During a recent serious conversation with my husband I brought up one of the things I'd learned and he was surprised to hear me say that I knew it! Although my husband was surprised, it turns out that men and women are confused about each other because we all assume the only difference between men and women is our parts. This is not true.

Here's what you'll learn about men in For Women Only:

Why Your Respect Means More to Him than Even Your Affection, Why Your Mr. Smooth looks so Impressive but Feels like an Impostor, How his Need to Provide Weights Your Man Down and Why he Likes it That Way, Why Sex unlocks a Man's Emotions, Why it's So Natural for Him to Look (at other women) and So Hard to Forget What He's Seen, Why the Reluctant Clod You Know Really Does Want Romance, Why What's on the Outside Matters to Him on the Inside and What Your Man Most Wishes You Knew About Him. (nope I'm not telling!)

Here's what you'll learn about women in For Men Only:

Why her "I Do" will always mean, "Do You?" and what to do about it, What you should know about the fabulous female brain, How your provider/protector instinct can leave her feeling more unsafe and less cared for, Why her feeling about the problem is the problem, and how to fix your urge to fix, How her desires are impacted by her unique wiring, and why your ego shouldn't be, What the little girl inside your woman is dying to hear from you - and how to guard your answer well and What the women who loves you most, most wants you to know.

What I read in For Men Only didn't surprise me one bit, it's very true of the majority of females. The information in the books was gleamed from surveys and interviews with thousands of women (and For Women Only info was gleamed from thousands of men,) and so the information provided is about the majority of women. The books even explains that not ALL women and men will agree with what is said but the majority will.

If you don't already know, For Parents Only is a Christian nonfiction box set. I'm not Christian but I still found the books useful. There was one chapter in both books that didn't apply to me because of my personal beliefs but otherwise it was fine. I don't want to get into a debate or anything but basically it's the one about your men looking at other women and how they should try to not do it but also can't help it. Personally, I have no problem with my guy looking at and ogling at other women just like I can look at other men. So if you feel the same way as me, you might not need that one chapter as much.

Buy For Couples Only Box Set

Author Bio:
Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn hold graduate degrees from Harvard University and are popular national speakers, authors, and entrepreneurs. They are also active church members and the parents of two young children, and they enjoy every minute of living life at warp speed.