Presidential polyps identified (not removed)

The five polyps identified during yesterday's presidential colonoscopy have been named Roberts, Alito, Scalia, Thomas and Kennedy, because of their strict constructionist influence upon the president's daily constitutional.

Asked if he saw the need to address the potentially cancerous effects of the conservative tumor now threatening the health of the United States Constitution, Bush said: "I have the same answer to that question I would have if somebody asked me whether my colonoscopy revealed to me the need for a government plan to insure that all Americans have access to health care: 'Get real, the only person's ass I have ever cared about is my own.' "